When did public school and socialization become synonymous?

My daughter has the tiny voice of a munchkin, caramel colored hair and dark brown eyes. She moves with purpose and uses adult words like perhaps and inappropriate, sometimes out of context, but always with perfect pronunciation.

I’m never surprised when people point out how adorable she is. It’s as if they are sharing with me something as obvious as her gender. “You have a little girl.”

Of course I do.

Last Tuesday in the doctor’s office, I thumbed through People magazine and caught up on my celeb gossip, while my daughter wrote in her notebook. She held the pencil like a little law student and scribbled furiously on her pastel colored note pad. The lady sitting across from us in pressed Capri pants and striped shirt was staring at her and smiling adoringly. She looked like she had just stepped out of a Talbots catalogue. 

“Oh my goodness, she’s so precious. How old is she?”

“I’m five,” my daughter proudly, declaring age before I could. She continued, “I turn six in May!”

“She’s in kindergarten, then?” The woman asked.

“Yes,” I said and hoped to leave it at that.

I looked at my phone and saw 10:03AM on the screen. And waited for her next questions.

“No school today?” The woman asked.

“No,” I said. “We homeschool.”

“Ohhhhh.” The woman said and shifted in her chair.

Her face changed from an adoring smile towards my “precious” child, to a look of disdain and judgment toward me and my mothering skills. How could I deprive my daughter the school experience? How could I be dragging her with me to doctor’s appointments when the rest of the world is in school, where they belong?

“Don’t you worry about socialization?” She pried.

There it is! The question everyone is the most worried about when I reveal my daughter and I are homeschoolers.

I contemplated unleashing my arsenal of information to combat her socialization question which as really a comment. I could have said any of the following:

• “I was an assistant principal and teacher for years, and I assure you, being social is not encouraged in school.”

• “Public school doesn’t mimic a social environment at all. Where in life do you have to sit in a desk all day, not talk to the person next to you, and ask permission to use the bathroom?”

• “There is no research to suggest kids are better off socially because of compulsory education.”

I don’t know when homeschooling and socialization, or lack there of, became synonymous. I have no idea what studies these people have read to question the social skills of homeschool children. I have looked for such studies and cannot find them. But 9 times out of 10, when I say, “homeschool,” they say, “socialization.”

I am astounded by the unexamined assumptions people have about homeschool, especially regarding the social aspect of a child’s life. In a recent article, John Gatto – author of many books including Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling and Weapons of Mass Instruction: A School Teacher’s Journey through the Dark World of Compulsory Education – addresses some of these assumptions.

• Social togetherness is promoted best by school.
• Without schooling, young people would find each other intolerable.
• The safest adult companions for children are government-licensed experts (teachers and principals).
• Students who escape state oversight (school) will become immoral.

Gatto asserts there is no research to support these claims. There is, however, a ton of research that supports the need for schools to work on social and emotional skills because the current education climate is lacking in this area.

You can find them here: http://www.channing-bete.com/prevention-programs/paths/SEL.html and here: http://www.nasponline.org/resources/factsheets/socialskills_fs.aspx and here: http://www.ascd.org/ASCD/pdf/journals/ed_lead/el_196902_elder.pdf

The research says that schools don’t do enough to foster social and emotional skills in students because schools are focused primarily on academic achievement rather than whether or not a student feels good about herself, or whether a student can navigate his social context.

In public school happiness and wellbeing isn’t a priority; passing the test is.

Students sit in desks all day long, aren’t permitted to socialize and are focused on increasing their reading levels and test scores. The majority of the day is spent preparing for tests. Recess has been all but eliminated in many schools, and in some schools, silence is required during lunchtime. That’s right, no talking during lunch.

I teach student teachers at the university and some are so upset about the silent lunches they have observed during their internships in elementary schools that many are writing their research papers on the topic.

Perhaps the most detrimental to social skills is the way schools categorize students based on test scores. Gatto and many other educational researchers state organizing groups based on ability (referring to students as level 1s, 2s, 3s and so on) does substantial harm to all citizens and creates and reinforces a caste system within schools.

According to the NICHD Early Childcare Research Network, parental warmth and sensitivity have emerged as two of the most significant predictors of children’s social development.

I looked at the woman judging me and thought about saying, “Yeah, look at her. She’s completely awkward isn’t she? It’s probably because I lock her in the closet all most of day. But every once in a while I let her out. Usually she runs around, pees her pants and acts like a complete animal.” I thought about shrugging my shoulders and saying, “But today’s a good day, I guess. Progress not perfection, right?”

Then I realized going against the norm is hard. It makes people ask questions about society and our role in it. It makes people, feel insecure. I shouldn’t care when a woman asks me a gratuitous question about my kid or my decisions.

So instead of being snarky or defensive I just said, “She’s a happy, well-adjusted kid.”

The woman pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows and I went back to my magazine. I would much rather look at celebrities pumping gas than have the socialization debate with a woman in a waiting room, anyway.